24 weeks today!

If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I'm kind of a control freak. It happened gradually, I think, and peaked after college. I think it's a big reason why I don't enjoy drinking, or other "substances" that make my head unclear. It's why I usually prefer to drive, why I'd rather do things for myself, and why I have such a hard time being patient with our dogs.
The reason I mention this is because of my absense this past month. Shortly after my ultrasound, I had what we're now calling, a bad sugar crash. Let me get techy on you (or skip these next few paragraph if you're not interested!)

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When we eat sugar or carbs, it translates to glucose in our bloodstream. Glucose is what powers us. Our pancreas then releases insulin. The glucose is the adventurer. The insulin is the key. The cells in our body are the treasure. Glucose cant enter our cells without insulin. Diabetics sometimes take insulin shots because their bodies can't produce the amount required.
Okay. So, as a pregnant woman, my body is producing extra of pretty much everything, including insulin. What happens is that when I eat sugar/carbs, my body over-produces insulin, and the glucose very quickly moves into the cells, leaving my blood with very little glucose left. Blood sugar! So that's a sugar crash.
To combat this, I put myself on a strict diet. While simple sugars and carbs (white bread, added sugar, etc) empty from your bloodstream faster, slower-acting carbs (whole wheat bread, veggies, etc) are released into your bloodstream a lot slower, keeping blood sugar levels normal. Tada!
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Okay, sorry for the biology lesson! Anyway, changing to a super healthy diet was a great move either way, but I was extremely anxious and stressed out about the whole situation. Stress sucks away blood sugar! So I had a really rough couple of weeks trying to regulate my body. I withdrew from everything, and felt pretty bleak. I was depressed a lot, and dreaded the amount of time left until she would be born. After awhile, the anxiety subsided, and I started to not feel so awful about my situation. Now that I'm eating a really great diet, I feel great but I can treat myself too, if I'm careful!
However, there again comes the control issue. I eat healthy normally because it's my choice. I exercise because it's my choice. HAVING to do it is entirely different. Being pregnant is all about being out of control. Your body is doing all these crazy things that you just have to accept, and while the rewards are great, what people don't seem to realize is how very LONG 9 months is. It's hard to constantly be brimming with excitement like people seem to expect.
It's hard for me to be patient. I really miss my workouts. Slow cardio is not my thing, and I can see and feel myself getting weaker. I know I can gain it all back, but the waiting and waiting! Now that my eating is being controlled too, it doubles the frustration. I've just learned to be kind of zen about it all. I'm used to being in control of my body, but that's just not the case, at least not for another 16 weeks (and don't even say that's not very long!)
ANYWAY! I don't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy. I'm happy to be pregnant, and I'm excited for Pepper to be here, but I don't think I'll want to go through this again. I just can't WAIT to push my body again, lay on my stomach, drink a whole milkshake, run 5k, and eat SUSHI again! :D
 

23 weeks, 2 days

Gender Predictor

Things have been going really well lately, and most of my fears have subsided. At my OB appointment last week, I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again, and the most exciting has sometimes been feeling the baby kick and move around!!! Its impossible to describe, but its amazing to experience. When the baby rolls or turns, it kind of feels like when your stomach drops out on a roller coaster, but on a smaller scale!

I still sometimes have moments of panic, but things have been smooth. Im in the "honeymoon" phase, and I mostly have heartburn and some back pain. But Im keeping up with my exercising, and eating healthy! I'm lucky to have such a helpful husband! He stays awake in the middle of the night when I have to pee, cuz I usually have bad dreams (thanks, pregnancy!), and get scared of the dark. Silly, I know, but its a big comfort.

So I have my next ultrasound in 5 days, and that's the day we get to find out the sex! As you can imagine, this has been the longest week of MY LIFE! So to pass the time, I decided to look at a few old wive's tales and gender predictors to see what the fates think it is!

Baby's Heart Rate - 140bpm = GIRL

Carrying the extra weight around the hips and bottom = GIRL.

Hair on legs is not growing any faster = GIRL

Carrying the baby low = BOY

Kevin's Birthday + My Birthday + Month/Year of conception = BOY

Feet are not colder than they were before pregnancy = GIRL

Kevin hasn't been gaining = GIRL
Morning Sickness early on = GIRL

Darkening of aereolas = BOY

Dramatic Chest Size Increase = GIRL

26 (age) + 11 (month of conception = 37 (odd number) = GIRL

Craving salty foods = BOY

Acne during pregnancy = GIRL

When asked to show hands, I show palms up = GIRL

Headaches during pregnancy = BOY

Development of red highlights in hair = GIRL (Ive never seen this myth until today, but I mention it because just on Sunday, Kevin and my friend Nikki were commenting on how reddish the tone of my hair is in the sunlight!)

Well, if the old wives have anything to say about it, we're going to have a girl!! Let's hope so!

Apathy vs Insanity

Ive read quite a few baby blogs, and subscribe to Fit Pregnancy online, so that I can keep myself informed, and print out advice for the coming months/years. At one point, I read somewhere that if a woman felt apathy towards her unborn child, to seek her OBGYN about it. I assumed it was a psycological thing they'd want to work out.

I started to worry that I was apathetic. It's not that I really didn't care, I just had a hard time being excited all the time. I hear a lot of woman say they ate perfect, and sang to their belly, etc etc, but I don't feel like I pay all THAT much attention to the baby. Some days I'm even resentful, not necessarily at my unborn child, but in general that I can't focus on my hard workouts like I used to, and that I still suffer from food aversions, most specifically, vegetables. Sometimes I find myself thinking "As soon as I pop this thing out and get the go-ahead, and I can't WAIT to get back to the gym full force!" instead of "OMG BABY IM GONNA SPEND ALL MY FREE TIME STARING AT IT!" So I worried.

But over time I think I came to the realization that my "apathy" is a defense mechanism. When I see my belly get bigger, when I buy new maternity clothes, and geez, when I got to SEE him/her the first time, I was elated! I fantasize about being a Mom and the trials, the laughter, the diapers .... and I realize that between those feelings of elation, I hide behind my apathy in the event that something goes wrong. I used to think I was lucky, having only known about my first pregnancy for 4 days before finding out I had miscarried, because it meant I didnt have time to get attached. But because it all happened so fast, now I find myself realizing that anything could happen at a moment's notice, even tho everything is going just fine. I allow myself the moments of joy, and put up walls in between, because I feel the need to protect myself if my baby died.

Anyway, another issue Ive been facing is my growing belly. All my life, it was a struggle to hold my belly in. I was ridiculed for it. I had incredible ab strength because all through middle school, high school and college, I had perfected the "suck in", allowing me to look 5-10lbs lighter at least. I dont think anyone realizes how damaging and hard it is to grow up fat. Im still surprised when good looking people are nice to me. I feel like people only like me because Ive dropped the weight, and its all so convoluted. My worth = my weight. So now that my belly is growing, UNDER the pudge of my stomach that was already there, I could pass for 5 months pregnant. I usually try to hide it, and keep it under wraps, especially at work. But the other day I went to the mall, and I played it up. I have gotten into the habit of laying my hand on the top of my belly, or standing with my arms circling under it. The common "pregnant" postures. I mentioned it in passing to store clerks asking me questions, and asked a lady at a Boba tea place if tapioca was okay for someone like me (I actually didnt know!) It felt good to just let my belly show, but in the back of my mind I felt guilty, as if I were lying.

These are all just things that go through my mind, and this blog isn't so much the light-hearted thing I was planning on having, haha. But its a relief to just say whats on my mind, even if no one is listening.

Okay, on to positive notes!! My belly IS definitely growing, and not fat-wise, baby-wise! I've only gained 4-5lbs, and Im striving to be active and eat right. My schedule should be changing next week into sometimes I can really manage well, and get into a groove, especially with working out every day. I bought real honest-to-goodness red lipstick, and I wear it!

While at a maternity clothes place in the mall, I bought my first (and ONLY) maternity jeans, and a maternity bra, and asked to wear them out. The clerk and I talked and laughed for awhile, a good 10 minutes, before I was all set to go. I look in the bag, and see its empty. "Where are my clothes?" She asked. "Right here" she says, referring to the pile of my jeans and bra I had come in with. "No, the clothes I bought!" She laughed and said "Honey, you're wearing them!" ..... This happens all the time to me now, haha, and she assured me, as many others have, that its the baby, and that my memory will never be the same.

On a final note, Kevin has gotten into the habit of rubbing circles on my abdomen with his hand. The baby responds well to the stimulus (Ive yet to know 100% if Ive felt movement!), and it calms me as well. Sometimes I get terrified when I imagine trying to be a good Mom, but most times, Ill look over at him, and realize that he's going to be a great Dad, and I'm gonna be okay.

Okay, fine, Im sick

Okay, I admit it. I have a cold. Ive been trying to deny it, but the runny/stuffy nose, sore throat, headaches and irritability are hard to ignore. At the very least, it never escalated, and I think its getting better. If I thought being sick sucked, being sick and pregnant is much worse.

My mood changes daily, but I dont know how much that has to do with hormones, or just my personality. I think Im having a hard time getting into a schedule. As it is, its like Im single. When I imagine cleaning the house and cooking, I do it for Kevin. But with my work schedule right now, I dont really get to see him until 8:00 every night. Theres barely time to eat dinner, relax and spend time together, let alone show off my hard work, or cook a great meal. I like my job, and its really not a big deal, but I think its making it harder for me to get into a routine. My biggest problem is being lonely during the day, then since Im feeling down, I dont have the motivation to clean, and then I feel guilty, etc etc.

I wish that cleaning was a hobby for me, almost like it is for my Mom. Her house is always gorgeous, she sees every crumb, and knows a hundred ways to get out a stain. I want to be like that. But I can't find the passion.

Another big problem is that Im starting to resent not being able to eat and exercise like I was before. I miss the intensity, and Im terrified Ill never find it again. I cant even remember how to eat anymore, its like a fog. I miss cooking, but I cant remember what I used to cook. Its crazy!! I guess I just feel lost. No, thats exactly it. I feel lost. I dont know what to do with myself. Im aware that I have all this free time, but I dont know how to use it. I wander around the house in a daze. People tell me things and I forget the next day (Im told this is due to the pregnancy).

I dont mean to just complain. My life is good, and its just in an awkward place right now, that's all. I want to move forward, instead of wallow. Im considering getting a coffee pot, or a french press. I want to MAKE a routine for myself. Get up early, have a cup of coffee and walk around the block. Come home, shower, make a GOOD breakfast. Oatmeal. Yogurt. Fruit. Check my email. Do my kegels. Do 30 minutes of chores. Read for 30 minutes. Do another 30 minutes of chores. Eat lunch. On the days I work mornings, I'll do the same, but save the chores and stuff until after work. I think I need to start working out at home. Jog around the neighborhood, do my weights there. I want to make workout routines again.

Okay, Im gonna make positive changes. I hate wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. Ive always adjusted to change really well.

On Sunday, Im meeting a new friend for the first time. Im pretty excited, we have a lot in common, and she doesnt live to far. Wish me luck.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaanges

Hello, blog world. I feel like I neglect to update, but it doesnt seem like much is going on it baby world. I guess I'm (im)patiently waiting for my next U/S on April 5th.

I'm growing slowly every day, but it seems to be taking forever! It seems like most people would want to stay "normal" for as long as possible, but Im excited to have a for-real baby bump! I'm envious of those that started out skinny, so the bump is really obvious! Anyway.

The bump is strange, like a pressure, but I like it. Im getting some 'round ligament pain' every once in awhile, nothing too bad! Most of the obvious changes are my (sorry, this is a TMI blog!) breasts. Of course they got heavier, bigger, but one thing Ive noticed most is that the shape of the nipple itself has changed! I like it, it makes me feel like Im preparing, haha. And the ducts are formed, or whatever you want to call them. Other than that, Ive just been breaking out a lot more!

So after a weekend in Galveston with Kevin's family, I decided I needed to stop being so lazy with my health. The weather, and the fact that I can't work out like I used to, has kept me from really focusing on staying healthy. I eat pretty good, but I still dont really like food. Nothing appeals to me besides string cheese and popcorn, haha. But just because Ive still got my food aversions doesnt mean I cant eat really good, and make meals! So today I went to the store and got stuff for crock-pot meals. I'm gonna cook on Sunday or Monday, and keep enough for the week, so we can eat healthy without as much effort. Im gonna also make some home-made granola bars, and start recording my food again. I feel like Im not eating enough! I'm only gained 3 lbs so far, which is good.

The second step is creating workouts every day, and not just winging it! Im gonna keep up with my cardio, but Im gonna start creating strength workouts too. And doing kegels TWICE A DAY!!! I feel motivated. I want my baby to be healthy, and I want to be in good shape to lose the baby weight afterwards!

So, thats pretty much it! Kevin and I are going to a wedding back in San Diego in late May, and Ill be about 28 weeks, 7 months! Im excited because Ill surely have a nice bump by then for everyone to see.

I came out!

So today was my FIRST ultrasound, and my subsequent "coming out". It's been a crazy day! Where to start??

Kevin had an appointment early in the morning, and stayed home from work, so he was able to go with me. First and foremost, I was nervous. Very very nervous. So far everything had been good! But I'd heard stories of people getting an U/S, and finding out that the baby had stopped growing. I was so scared of something having gone wrong (despite having morning sickness still, haha), and I would have felt like a failure, especially having just finished working on the nursery.

So they propped me up, lubed up my tummy, and within seconds, our little baby came into view. It was almost a shock. He/she was moving and breathing and their little heart was beating. It was incredible. The doctor tried to get a good side view, but I apparently have a stubborn baby, haha. But we listened to the hearbeat, and it was just incredible. My doctor was really happy with how everything came out, and said I looked great. And my tentative due date, being at approx. 14 weeks, is August 24th!

As soon as we left the clinic, I called my Dad, who didnt know yet. He was so excited! When we got home, we scanned the picture and let the news fly out into cyberspace. Within minutes people were congratulating us, and scolding me for keeping it a secret for so long, haha (sorry about that!)

I guess I feel like I can finally relax. This might just actually happen. And on April 5th, we'll get another U/S and find out the sex of the baby!! So, I eat lots of donuts to have a girl, right?? Hehe, just kidding ;)

The neverending tummy ache

Self-explanatory. It's almost ridiculous how many hours a day I suffer with a stomach ache. And my nausea, while not as severe, is still persistent. The more hungry I get, the more nauseous I get, and when I finally do eat, I have a stomach ache!!

Right now, at work, I want so badly to study my ACE certification material, or clean free machines, or chat with people, but all I can think about is my tummy ache. I ate some grapes awhile back that weren't quite ripe, and boy am I paying for it. I consider myself to have a stomach of steel, so constantly being the butt of every intenstinal joke is not something I'm used to. In desperate times, I've had a swig of Pepto Bismol, but am warned not to rely on it too often.

All in all I've been in a terrible mood all day. I realized we haven't hung out with any friends in ages, because we HAVE NONE! Everybody we get close to sort of slips away. They only contact us when it's convenient for them. Hey, Stephanie, I know we haven't spoken in awhile, and I never call you to see what's up, but I have this problem I want to vent out. I'm so tired of being people's doormat. I don't like to talk about my problems with people because it always seemed like such an annoying trait, but maybe I'm at fault. I don't know.

I think I'm just really grumpy. Mood swing? When will I swing back!? I miss my friends and my family and I'm nervous about the ultrasound in 3 days for some reason, and I just feel deflated today.

Poor Amanda is sick as a dog, so I came in early today, which is fine since I've got nothing else going on. But being at the gym makes me miss my hard workouts. I miss sweating like crazy and pushing myself hard. Now I get out of breath tying my shoes, and get dizzy standing up too fast. I will be forever grateful if this pregnancy works out and we start our family, but what a whirlwind.

Anyway. Since I'm a real smart person, I forgot to bring enough food for 7 hours, so Kevin is bringing me Subway, and I've got a book to keep me busy. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Much love, you guys <3