I came out!

So today was my FIRST ultrasound, and my subsequent "coming out". It's been a crazy day! Where to start??

Kevin had an appointment early in the morning, and stayed home from work, so he was able to go with me. First and foremost, I was nervous. Very very nervous. So far everything had been good! But I'd heard stories of people getting an U/S, and finding out that the baby had stopped growing. I was so scared of something having gone wrong (despite having morning sickness still, haha), and I would have felt like a failure, especially having just finished working on the nursery.

So they propped me up, lubed up my tummy, and within seconds, our little baby came into view. It was almost a shock. He/she was moving and breathing and their little heart was beating. It was incredible. The doctor tried to get a good side view, but I apparently have a stubborn baby, haha. But we listened to the hearbeat, and it was just incredible. My doctor was really happy with how everything came out, and said I looked great. And my tentative due date, being at approx. 14 weeks, is August 24th!

As soon as we left the clinic, I called my Dad, who didnt know yet. He was so excited! When we got home, we scanned the picture and let the news fly out into cyberspace. Within minutes people were congratulating us, and scolding me for keeping it a secret for so long, haha (sorry about that!)

I guess I feel like I can finally relax. This might just actually happen. And on April 5th, we'll get another U/S and find out the sex of the baby!! So, I eat lots of donuts to have a girl, right?? Hehe, just kidding ;)

The neverending tummy ache

Self-explanatory. It's almost ridiculous how many hours a day I suffer with a stomach ache. And my nausea, while not as severe, is still persistent. The more hungry I get, the more nauseous I get, and when I finally do eat, I have a stomach ache!!

Right now, at work, I want so badly to study my ACE certification material, or clean free machines, or chat with people, but all I can think about is my tummy ache. I ate some grapes awhile back that weren't quite ripe, and boy am I paying for it. I consider myself to have a stomach of steel, so constantly being the butt of every intenstinal joke is not something I'm used to. In desperate times, I've had a swig of Pepto Bismol, but am warned not to rely on it too often.

All in all I've been in a terrible mood all day. I realized we haven't hung out with any friends in ages, because we HAVE NONE! Everybody we get close to sort of slips away. They only contact us when it's convenient for them. Hey, Stephanie, I know we haven't spoken in awhile, and I never call you to see what's up, but I have this problem I want to vent out. I'm so tired of being people's doormat. I don't like to talk about my problems with people because it always seemed like such an annoying trait, but maybe I'm at fault. I don't know.

I think I'm just really grumpy. Mood swing? When will I swing back!? I miss my friends and my family and I'm nervous about the ultrasound in 3 days for some reason, and I just feel deflated today.

Poor Amanda is sick as a dog, so I came in early today, which is fine since I've got nothing else going on. But being at the gym makes me miss my hard workouts. I miss sweating like crazy and pushing myself hard. Now I get out of breath tying my shoes, and get dizzy standing up too fast. I will be forever grateful if this pregnancy works out and we start our family, but what a whirlwind.

Anyway. Since I'm a real smart person, I forgot to bring enough food for 7 hours, so Kevin is bringing me Subway, and I've got a book to keep me busy. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Much love, you guys <3

I don't need a rescue (unless you're Mr. Cypher)

Sometimes I worry. I mean, Im the type of person who believes that things will work out okay. I roll with the punches, and I accept my lot (its a good one!). But sometimes late at night, staring at the ceiling thanks to my pregnancy-induced insomnia, I worry. I know everything is going to change. I know it's going to be hard, and stressful. I know the rates of divorces rise after the first child. But that's not why I worry. I worry because I'm not that worried. I feel ready. I feel strong and prepared to take on the challenge. I'm not scared of being a bad parent or accidentally killing the baby or even not having any idea how to nurse. I just know in my heart that it's all going to be okay. We'll figure it out. I've taken care of people all my life, and I know that if I care and I'm willing to learn and love, then everything else will fall into place.

Not to say that I'm kicking my feet up. I've been researching baby essentials, stroller reviews, breast-feeding techniques, etc. I'm open to opinions and advice. But what I've shut out is fear. I'm not going to subject myself to the fear that something bad could happen. I'm grateful that Amanda and I are on the same page about that. We are educating ourselves, but we're looking away from all the bad things. What's the point?

So, what DO I think about while staring at the ceiling and not worrying? What museums we'll take our children to. How we can make the best entertainment/educational area for them. What their names will sound like calling up the stairs for dinner. (In my fantasies, we have a 2-story house. And a hot tub.) I imagine us being supportive and proud, and trying our best to always be there for them.

And sometimes I'm fantasizing about Richard Cypher rescuing me, shirtless and sweaty.



... oh yeah ...

Oh, so I'm pregnant?

So, yesterday, I finally made it to my appointment to "confirm the pregnancy". After a very short wait, they called me back, weighed me (I've only gained 2 lbs, woo!), and had me pee in a cup. (As a side note, has any woman ever successfully peed in a cup without getting it all over the place? Seriously. Trying to chase the stream around always gets it on the outside of the cup, and even sometimes on my hands. UGH! So then you have to painstakingly clean the outside, and your hands, and try not to spill anything before securing the lid on. Next time I'm bringing a P-mate with me.)

Anyway, it took them all of a minute to tell me that came back positive. Well, duh. So my nurse, and a nurse-in-training, take me to a back room and ask me some questions. The issue of my miscarriage came up, and after lots of precise questions about something my memory is not so precise on, she basically says: "All of your symptoms lead me to think that this is a new pregnancy. But we have to make sure that you didn't have an 'incomplete miscarriage'." Yikes. Because my last hCG during my miscarraige was 42, and not 0, they had to be sure. So we fill out all my information on their computers, and they send me down to get blood drawn. (When the nurse asked which arm, I showed her both to choose, and she was like "WOW! I've never seen veins so big!"). My OB nurse, Melissa, told me that they would not make me wait until tomorrow for the results, and to call back at 3:45.

So I went to Ikea for a bit, had some lunch, then headed back to Elgin to hit the grocery store. While perusing the cereal aisle, I get a call I dont hear, but my voicemail notice beeps nice a loud. A message from Melissa telling me she has some "good news for me." Whew! I call her back and she says: "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" I may have done a little happy dance in aisle 6. She said my hormone levels are VERY high (good news!).

So, I'm pregnant. Officially, doctor's stamp and all. I have to go back on Monday to do some more lab work, but my ultrasound isn't until the 22nd! As happy as I am to get the good news, the ultrasound will be ultimate YES for me. I will SEE the baby, I will HEAR the baby, and I will finally, officially know how far along I am. Melissa had used my miscarraige bleeding as my last known period, and according to that, I'm like 15.5 weeks! I don't think that's quite right, but we'll know on the 22nd (or sooner if I can get into a cancelled appointment).

So since I'm official and all now, I think I'll go take an official nap, officially.

Sweet Relief

Several weeks ago, my Mom and I were talking about pregnancy stuff, and after a long pause, my Mom made a remark, wondering if it was possible that maybe I wasn't actually pregnant, but I was experiencing hormonal fluctuations from my miscarriage. I was around 7 weeks in at the time, and my first instinct was to be offended.

But my Mom was only curious. How was it possible for someone to get pregnant right after a miscarriage? Where had the egg come from? I hadn't ovulated, so it couldn't happen, right? Well, I knew from my many blog-searches that it was indeed possible, but I couldn't offer her a solid reason how.

Since then, the idea that I might not actually be pregnant has haunted me. I researched HOW it was possible, but I only found claim after claim that it HAS. I have all the symptoms, I got 2 positive results around week 4 or 5, and my boobs didnt get bigger on their own .... but still. I fretted. I kept meaning to get another pregnancy test to ease my mind, but I never remembered to.

When Kevin's Mom bought me my first maternity clothes, I almost felt like a fraud. I mean, I'm not showing at all. But what if I wasn't even pregnant? I knew my Mom was only trying to help, but her question was always in the back of my mind.

Today I was supposed to have my first OBGYN to, and I quote, "confirm the pregnancy". Nervous, much? What if it came back negative? Not only would I NOT be pregnant, I would have to look into why I had all these insane symptoms! Well, after A Series of Unfortunate Events, including my insurance carrier not even showing I exist in their system, and getting totally bunk directions from the nurse, I ended up have to reschedule for Wednesday. I was disappointed of course, but my Mom would be really upset, because this would be her "proof", and I could ask the nurse how my pregnancy is possible.

Not to let the morning be a total waste, I stopped and got a fancy digital read pregnancy test. Directions: Pee on Stick. Wait 3 minutes. The result would read either "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant." Simple enough. I pee every 20 minutes as it is. So I do my thing, and not even 30 seconds later, the reader popped up "Pregnant." Even though I knew I had to be, seeing that confirmation was a huge relief. I immediately snapped a photo and sent it to my Mom. It may not have a doctors signature on it, but at least now I can be nauseous in peace.

A light at the end of the tunnel

Well, long time no post, eh? I guess the benefit of not working in front of a computer all day is that ... I don't work in front of a computer all day.

So, I'm now into week 10/11 and I'm finally starting to think that maybe pregnancy isn't a contraption of the devil. Starting Tuesday or so, food has slowly started to taste the way it's supposed to. So far, it's like there's been a film on my mouth that makes food taste ... strange and bland. But yesterday I had some cereal and I couldn't believe that it tasted ... good! And how it's supposed to! My nausea is finally starting to wane too. It's definitely still around in the morning and right before bed, but it's manageable!

I'm now determined to try and eat healthy again (a shame our house is full of junk food right now, ugh). I've been noticing my body ballooning a little. I'm sure a lot of it is just fluids and bloating, but I know all that ice cream and carbs have not been going straight to baby. So this morning I had ... (drumroll please) ... OATMEAL!! My sweet, nurturing lover. Granted, I made the pre-packaged kind and not stove-top, but I made it and it was good.

In other news, I now own 3 maternity clothing items, courtesy of Kevin's mother. In fact, I'm wearing a maternity shirt today!! ... Okay, so it looks kinda silly on my cuz Im swimming in it, but its still pretty exciting. And, I have an official appointment on Feb 1st to "confirm my pregnancy". Exciting!!! I tried to find out if they'd be doing an ultrasound, but the lady was not cooperative. But at 10/11 weeks, I'll be able to hear my baby's heartbeat and everything. I think this appointment will really make this 'real' for me. It's a little scary, but I'm staying positive.

Well, now that I'm working at a gym, I guess I should start looking .. um, fit! Amanda and I are walking today and doing kegels! (not as weird to do with someone else as I initially thought). Ta ta!

Dream Deluge

The other day I received a package in the mail from my Mom. She had sent me 'What to Expect when you're Expecting', which was really exciting! I delved into the contents and realized that a lot of the minor symptoms I've been noticing are all documented there (metallic taste in my mouth, pain right around my tailbone, some cramping following a little 'special time' with Kevin, which are all totally normal!). It was really nice to have so many questions answered.

I've recently noticed another symptoms that, as far as I'm concerned, is one of the worst. Most people know I'm afraid of the dark, and that I typically suffer from insomnia. Well, now I'm also suffering from frequent and vivid dreams, often extremely stressful ones, and I wake up several times a night. Now, I eat pretty regularly throughout the day to fight my nausea, and most of the time I'll have a little ice cream about an hour before bed. Sometimes, though, for whatever reason, I'll have something heavier, and those seem to be the nights that I have the most vivid dreams.

I googled this, and it seems to be pretty common, but most people say they have dreams relating to their pregnancy. Mine are ... not. Let me give you a very brief synopsis of the dreams I had just last night, in the 6 or so hours I managed to sleep:

1. Sunny, post-apocalyptic landscape. Futuristic. We are exploring the remains of a mall, which turns into part of a cruise ship. We have to row a boat through choppy waters in a storm to escape.

2. Same cruise ship, I meet this androgynous person at an event for people to make auditions for single people. You know, those videos? This person is extremely coy, and trying to claim to be very old, but he's very young and attractive. I flirt with him, he's still being coy. We walk to an expansive room with a gorgeous view and tons of windows. His hair has grown long and white-blonde. He teases me and tries to get me to believe he's a woman. To prove I know he's got the right equipment, I kiss him. We end up naked in bed, and handsome, shirtless window washers cat-call me from outside. Kevin comes in, raving mad at this guy because he slammed Kevin's book shut sometime earlier in the day.

3. I'm at a video rental store. A little girl with a horrible mother wants to rent a video, but has no money. I let her take it. I walk outside and a hispanic guy in a navy uniform exclaims "OMG that woman has been bludgeoned to death!" and points to a prone figure by a planter. It's just a homeless woman napping. I get really mad and ask what kind of horrible person he is to make such a joke. He threatens me, and I run into a jewelry store and hide under a table. The woman there is his fiance. She's had enough of him. He's getting his gang together to beat me up. We get 100 people and start jogging together around the complex, I guess to hide me? A girl gets to close to me and I sucker punch her, thinking it's him. 

There were more, earlier in the night, but they're too hazy and weird to really explain. But I see these just as vividly as I did upon waking up. All of them were incredibly stressful, and I woke up out of breath each time. Needless to say, I'm pretty exhausted today.

I'm going to avoid eating much at night to see if that helps with the dreams. I've started eating fruits, milk, and good protein again! I hope to have vegetables again in the next few weeks.