Apathy vs Insanity

Ive read quite a few baby blogs, and subscribe to Fit Pregnancy online, so that I can keep myself informed, and print out advice for the coming months/years. At one point, I read somewhere that if a woman felt apathy towards her unborn child, to seek her OBGYN about it. I assumed it was a psycological thing they'd want to work out.

I started to worry that I was apathetic. It's not that I really didn't care, I just had a hard time being excited all the time. I hear a lot of woman say they ate perfect, and sang to their belly, etc etc, but I don't feel like I pay all THAT much attention to the baby. Some days I'm even resentful, not necessarily at my unborn child, but in general that I can't focus on my hard workouts like I used to, and that I still suffer from food aversions, most specifically, vegetables. Sometimes I find myself thinking "As soon as I pop this thing out and get the go-ahead, and I can't WAIT to get back to the gym full force!" instead of "OMG BABY IM GONNA SPEND ALL MY FREE TIME STARING AT IT!" So I worried.

But over time I think I came to the realization that my "apathy" is a defense mechanism. When I see my belly get bigger, when I buy new maternity clothes, and geez, when I got to SEE him/her the first time, I was elated! I fantasize about being a Mom and the trials, the laughter, the diapers .... and I realize that between those feelings of elation, I hide behind my apathy in the event that something goes wrong. I used to think I was lucky, having only known about my first pregnancy for 4 days before finding out I had miscarried, because it meant I didnt have time to get attached. But because it all happened so fast, now I find myself realizing that anything could happen at a moment's notice, even tho everything is going just fine. I allow myself the moments of joy, and put up walls in between, because I feel the need to protect myself if my baby died.

Anyway, another issue Ive been facing is my growing belly. All my life, it was a struggle to hold my belly in. I was ridiculed for it. I had incredible ab strength because all through middle school, high school and college, I had perfected the "suck in", allowing me to look 5-10lbs lighter at least. I dont think anyone realizes how damaging and hard it is to grow up fat. Im still surprised when good looking people are nice to me. I feel like people only like me because Ive dropped the weight, and its all so convoluted. My worth = my weight. So now that my belly is growing, UNDER the pudge of my stomach that was already there, I could pass for 5 months pregnant. I usually try to hide it, and keep it under wraps, especially at work. But the other day I went to the mall, and I played it up. I have gotten into the habit of laying my hand on the top of my belly, or standing with my arms circling under it. The common "pregnant" postures. I mentioned it in passing to store clerks asking me questions, and asked a lady at a Boba tea place if tapioca was okay for someone like me (I actually didnt know!) It felt good to just let my belly show, but in the back of my mind I felt guilty, as if I were lying.

These are all just things that go through my mind, and this blog isn't so much the light-hearted thing I was planning on having, haha. But its a relief to just say whats on my mind, even if no one is listening.

Okay, on to positive notes!! My belly IS definitely growing, and not fat-wise, baby-wise! I've only gained 4-5lbs, and Im striving to be active and eat right. My schedule should be changing next week into sometimes I can really manage well, and get into a groove, especially with working out every day. I bought real honest-to-goodness red lipstick, and I wear it!

While at a maternity clothes place in the mall, I bought my first (and ONLY) maternity jeans, and a maternity bra, and asked to wear them out. The clerk and I talked and laughed for awhile, a good 10 minutes, before I was all set to go. I look in the bag, and see its empty. "Where are my clothes?" She asked. "Right here" she says, referring to the pile of my jeans and bra I had come in with. "No, the clothes I bought!" She laughed and said "Honey, you're wearing them!" ..... This happens all the time to me now, haha, and she assured me, as many others have, that its the baby, and that my memory will never be the same.

On a final note, Kevin has gotten into the habit of rubbing circles on my abdomen with his hand. The baby responds well to the stimulus (Ive yet to know 100% if Ive felt movement!), and it calms me as well. Sometimes I get terrified when I imagine trying to be a good Mom, but most times, Ill look over at him, and realize that he's going to be a great Dad, and I'm gonna be okay.