24 weeks today!

If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I'm kind of a control freak. It happened gradually, I think, and peaked after college. I think it's a big reason why I don't enjoy drinking, or other "substances" that make my head unclear. It's why I usually prefer to drive, why I'd rather do things for myself, and why I have such a hard time being patient with our dogs.
The reason I mention this is because of my absense this past month. Shortly after my ultrasound, I had what we're now calling, a bad sugar crash. Let me get techy on you (or skip these next few paragraph if you're not interested!)

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When we eat sugar or carbs, it translates to glucose in our bloodstream. Glucose is what powers us. Our pancreas then releases insulin. The glucose is the adventurer. The insulin is the key. The cells in our body are the treasure. Glucose cant enter our cells without insulin. Diabetics sometimes take insulin shots because their bodies can't produce the amount required.
Okay. So, as a pregnant woman, my body is producing extra of pretty much everything, including insulin. What happens is that when I eat sugar/carbs, my body over-produces insulin, and the glucose very quickly moves into the cells, leaving my blood with very little glucose left. Blood sugar! So that's a sugar crash.
To combat this, I put myself on a strict diet. While simple sugars and carbs (white bread, added sugar, etc) empty from your bloodstream faster, slower-acting carbs (whole wheat bread, veggies, etc) are released into your bloodstream a lot slower, keeping blood sugar levels normal. Tada!
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Okay, sorry for the biology lesson! Anyway, changing to a super healthy diet was a great move either way, but I was extremely anxious and stressed out about the whole situation. Stress sucks away blood sugar! So I had a really rough couple of weeks trying to regulate my body. I withdrew from everything, and felt pretty bleak. I was depressed a lot, and dreaded the amount of time left until she would be born. After awhile, the anxiety subsided, and I started to not feel so awful about my situation. Now that I'm eating a really great diet, I feel great but I can treat myself too, if I'm careful!
However, there again comes the control issue. I eat healthy normally because it's my choice. I exercise because it's my choice. HAVING to do it is entirely different. Being pregnant is all about being out of control. Your body is doing all these crazy things that you just have to accept, and while the rewards are great, what people don't seem to realize is how very LONG 9 months is. It's hard to constantly be brimming with excitement like people seem to expect.
It's hard for me to be patient. I really miss my workouts. Slow cardio is not my thing, and I can see and feel myself getting weaker. I know I can gain it all back, but the waiting and waiting! Now that my eating is being controlled too, it doubles the frustration. I've just learned to be kind of zen about it all. I'm used to being in control of my body, but that's just not the case, at least not for another 16 weeks (and don't even say that's not very long!)
ANYWAY! I don't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy. I'm happy to be pregnant, and I'm excited for Pepper to be here, but I don't think I'll want to go through this again. I just can't WAIT to push my body again, lay on my stomach, drink a whole milkshake, run 5k, and eat SUSHI again! :D
 

23 weeks, 2 days

Gender Predictor

Things have been going really well lately, and most of my fears have subsided. At my OB appointment last week, I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again, and the most exciting has sometimes been feeling the baby kick and move around!!! Its impossible to describe, but its amazing to experience. When the baby rolls or turns, it kind of feels like when your stomach drops out on a roller coaster, but on a smaller scale!

I still sometimes have moments of panic, but things have been smooth. Im in the "honeymoon" phase, and I mostly have heartburn and some back pain. But Im keeping up with my exercising, and eating healthy! I'm lucky to have such a helpful husband! He stays awake in the middle of the night when I have to pee, cuz I usually have bad dreams (thanks, pregnancy!), and get scared of the dark. Silly, I know, but its a big comfort.

So I have my next ultrasound in 5 days, and that's the day we get to find out the sex! As you can imagine, this has been the longest week of MY LIFE! So to pass the time, I decided to look at a few old wive's tales and gender predictors to see what the fates think it is!

Baby's Heart Rate - 140bpm = GIRL

Carrying the extra weight around the hips and bottom = GIRL.

Hair on legs is not growing any faster = GIRL

Carrying the baby low = BOY

Kevin's Birthday + My Birthday + Month/Year of conception = BOY

Feet are not colder than they were before pregnancy = GIRL

Kevin hasn't been gaining = GIRL
Morning Sickness early on = GIRL

Darkening of aereolas = BOY

Dramatic Chest Size Increase = GIRL

26 (age) + 11 (month of conception = 37 (odd number) = GIRL

Craving salty foods = BOY

Acne during pregnancy = GIRL

When asked to show hands, I show palms up = GIRL

Headaches during pregnancy = BOY

Development of red highlights in hair = GIRL (Ive never seen this myth until today, but I mention it because just on Sunday, Kevin and my friend Nikki were commenting on how reddish the tone of my hair is in the sunlight!)

Well, if the old wives have anything to say about it, we're going to have a girl!! Let's hope so!

Apathy vs Insanity

Ive read quite a few baby blogs, and subscribe to Fit Pregnancy online, so that I can keep myself informed, and print out advice for the coming months/years. At one point, I read somewhere that if a woman felt apathy towards her unborn child, to seek her OBGYN about it. I assumed it was a psycological thing they'd want to work out.

I started to worry that I was apathetic. It's not that I really didn't care, I just had a hard time being excited all the time. I hear a lot of woman say they ate perfect, and sang to their belly, etc etc, but I don't feel like I pay all THAT much attention to the baby. Some days I'm even resentful, not necessarily at my unborn child, but in general that I can't focus on my hard workouts like I used to, and that I still suffer from food aversions, most specifically, vegetables. Sometimes I find myself thinking "As soon as I pop this thing out and get the go-ahead, and I can't WAIT to get back to the gym full force!" instead of "OMG BABY IM GONNA SPEND ALL MY FREE TIME STARING AT IT!" So I worried.

But over time I think I came to the realization that my "apathy" is a defense mechanism. When I see my belly get bigger, when I buy new maternity clothes, and geez, when I got to SEE him/her the first time, I was elated! I fantasize about being a Mom and the trials, the laughter, the diapers .... and I realize that between those feelings of elation, I hide behind my apathy in the event that something goes wrong. I used to think I was lucky, having only known about my first pregnancy for 4 days before finding out I had miscarried, because it meant I didnt have time to get attached. But because it all happened so fast, now I find myself realizing that anything could happen at a moment's notice, even tho everything is going just fine. I allow myself the moments of joy, and put up walls in between, because I feel the need to protect myself if my baby died.

Anyway, another issue Ive been facing is my growing belly. All my life, it was a struggle to hold my belly in. I was ridiculed for it. I had incredible ab strength because all through middle school, high school and college, I had perfected the "suck in", allowing me to look 5-10lbs lighter at least. I dont think anyone realizes how damaging and hard it is to grow up fat. Im still surprised when good looking people are nice to me. I feel like people only like me because Ive dropped the weight, and its all so convoluted. My worth = my weight. So now that my belly is growing, UNDER the pudge of my stomach that was already there, I could pass for 5 months pregnant. I usually try to hide it, and keep it under wraps, especially at work. But the other day I went to the mall, and I played it up. I have gotten into the habit of laying my hand on the top of my belly, or standing with my arms circling under it. The common "pregnant" postures. I mentioned it in passing to store clerks asking me questions, and asked a lady at a Boba tea place if tapioca was okay for someone like me (I actually didnt know!) It felt good to just let my belly show, but in the back of my mind I felt guilty, as if I were lying.

These are all just things that go through my mind, and this blog isn't so much the light-hearted thing I was planning on having, haha. But its a relief to just say whats on my mind, even if no one is listening.

Okay, on to positive notes!! My belly IS definitely growing, and not fat-wise, baby-wise! I've only gained 4-5lbs, and Im striving to be active and eat right. My schedule should be changing next week into sometimes I can really manage well, and get into a groove, especially with working out every day. I bought real honest-to-goodness red lipstick, and I wear it!

While at a maternity clothes place in the mall, I bought my first (and ONLY) maternity jeans, and a maternity bra, and asked to wear them out. The clerk and I talked and laughed for awhile, a good 10 minutes, before I was all set to go. I look in the bag, and see its empty. "Where are my clothes?" She asked. "Right here" she says, referring to the pile of my jeans and bra I had come in with. "No, the clothes I bought!" She laughed and said "Honey, you're wearing them!" ..... This happens all the time to me now, haha, and she assured me, as many others have, that its the baby, and that my memory will never be the same.

On a final note, Kevin has gotten into the habit of rubbing circles on my abdomen with his hand. The baby responds well to the stimulus (Ive yet to know 100% if Ive felt movement!), and it calms me as well. Sometimes I get terrified when I imagine trying to be a good Mom, but most times, Ill look over at him, and realize that he's going to be a great Dad, and I'm gonna be okay.

Okay, fine, Im sick

Okay, I admit it. I have a cold. Ive been trying to deny it, but the runny/stuffy nose, sore throat, headaches and irritability are hard to ignore. At the very least, it never escalated, and I think its getting better. If I thought being sick sucked, being sick and pregnant is much worse.

My mood changes daily, but I dont know how much that has to do with hormones, or just my personality. I think Im having a hard time getting into a schedule. As it is, its like Im single. When I imagine cleaning the house and cooking, I do it for Kevin. But with my work schedule right now, I dont really get to see him until 8:00 every night. Theres barely time to eat dinner, relax and spend time together, let alone show off my hard work, or cook a great meal. I like my job, and its really not a big deal, but I think its making it harder for me to get into a routine. My biggest problem is being lonely during the day, then since Im feeling down, I dont have the motivation to clean, and then I feel guilty, etc etc.

I wish that cleaning was a hobby for me, almost like it is for my Mom. Her house is always gorgeous, she sees every crumb, and knows a hundred ways to get out a stain. I want to be like that. But I can't find the passion.

Another big problem is that Im starting to resent not being able to eat and exercise like I was before. I miss the intensity, and Im terrified Ill never find it again. I cant even remember how to eat anymore, its like a fog. I miss cooking, but I cant remember what I used to cook. Its crazy!! I guess I just feel lost. No, thats exactly it. I feel lost. I dont know what to do with myself. Im aware that I have all this free time, but I dont know how to use it. I wander around the house in a daze. People tell me things and I forget the next day (Im told this is due to the pregnancy).

I dont mean to just complain. My life is good, and its just in an awkward place right now, that's all. I want to move forward, instead of wallow. Im considering getting a coffee pot, or a french press. I want to MAKE a routine for myself. Get up early, have a cup of coffee and walk around the block. Come home, shower, make a GOOD breakfast. Oatmeal. Yogurt. Fruit. Check my email. Do my kegels. Do 30 minutes of chores. Read for 30 minutes. Do another 30 minutes of chores. Eat lunch. On the days I work mornings, I'll do the same, but save the chores and stuff until after work. I think I need to start working out at home. Jog around the neighborhood, do my weights there. I want to make workout routines again.

Okay, Im gonna make positive changes. I hate wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. Ive always adjusted to change really well.

On Sunday, Im meeting a new friend for the first time. Im pretty excited, we have a lot in common, and she doesnt live to far. Wish me luck.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaanges

Hello, blog world. I feel like I neglect to update, but it doesnt seem like much is going on it baby world. I guess I'm (im)patiently waiting for my next U/S on April 5th.

I'm growing slowly every day, but it seems to be taking forever! It seems like most people would want to stay "normal" for as long as possible, but Im excited to have a for-real baby bump! I'm envious of those that started out skinny, so the bump is really obvious! Anyway.

The bump is strange, like a pressure, but I like it. Im getting some 'round ligament pain' every once in awhile, nothing too bad! Most of the obvious changes are my (sorry, this is a TMI blog!) breasts. Of course they got heavier, bigger, but one thing Ive noticed most is that the shape of the nipple itself has changed! I like it, it makes me feel like Im preparing, haha. And the ducts are formed, or whatever you want to call them. Other than that, Ive just been breaking out a lot more!

So after a weekend in Galveston with Kevin's family, I decided I needed to stop being so lazy with my health. The weather, and the fact that I can't work out like I used to, has kept me from really focusing on staying healthy. I eat pretty good, but I still dont really like food. Nothing appeals to me besides string cheese and popcorn, haha. But just because Ive still got my food aversions doesnt mean I cant eat really good, and make meals! So today I went to the store and got stuff for crock-pot meals. I'm gonna cook on Sunday or Monday, and keep enough for the week, so we can eat healthy without as much effort. Im gonna also make some home-made granola bars, and start recording my food again. I feel like Im not eating enough! I'm only gained 3 lbs so far, which is good.

The second step is creating workouts every day, and not just winging it! Im gonna keep up with my cardio, but Im gonna start creating strength workouts too. And doing kegels TWICE A DAY!!! I feel motivated. I want my baby to be healthy, and I want to be in good shape to lose the baby weight afterwards!

So, thats pretty much it! Kevin and I are going to a wedding back in San Diego in late May, and Ill be about 28 weeks, 7 months! Im excited because Ill surely have a nice bump by then for everyone to see.

I came out!

So today was my FIRST ultrasound, and my subsequent "coming out". It's been a crazy day! Where to start??

Kevin had an appointment early in the morning, and stayed home from work, so he was able to go with me. First and foremost, I was nervous. Very very nervous. So far everything had been good! But I'd heard stories of people getting an U/S, and finding out that the baby had stopped growing. I was so scared of something having gone wrong (despite having morning sickness still, haha), and I would have felt like a failure, especially having just finished working on the nursery.

So they propped me up, lubed up my tummy, and within seconds, our little baby came into view. It was almost a shock. He/she was moving and breathing and their little heart was beating. It was incredible. The doctor tried to get a good side view, but I apparently have a stubborn baby, haha. But we listened to the hearbeat, and it was just incredible. My doctor was really happy with how everything came out, and said I looked great. And my tentative due date, being at approx. 14 weeks, is August 24th!

As soon as we left the clinic, I called my Dad, who didnt know yet. He was so excited! When we got home, we scanned the picture and let the news fly out into cyberspace. Within minutes people were congratulating us, and scolding me for keeping it a secret for so long, haha (sorry about that!)

I guess I feel like I can finally relax. This might just actually happen. And on April 5th, we'll get another U/S and find out the sex of the baby!! So, I eat lots of donuts to have a girl, right?? Hehe, just kidding ;)

The neverending tummy ache

Self-explanatory. It's almost ridiculous how many hours a day I suffer with a stomach ache. And my nausea, while not as severe, is still persistent. The more hungry I get, the more nauseous I get, and when I finally do eat, I have a stomach ache!!

Right now, at work, I want so badly to study my ACE certification material, or clean free machines, or chat with people, but all I can think about is my tummy ache. I ate some grapes awhile back that weren't quite ripe, and boy am I paying for it. I consider myself to have a stomach of steel, so constantly being the butt of every intenstinal joke is not something I'm used to. In desperate times, I've had a swig of Pepto Bismol, but am warned not to rely on it too often.

All in all I've been in a terrible mood all day. I realized we haven't hung out with any friends in ages, because we HAVE NONE! Everybody we get close to sort of slips away. They only contact us when it's convenient for them. Hey, Stephanie, I know we haven't spoken in awhile, and I never call you to see what's up, but I have this problem I want to vent out. I'm so tired of being people's doormat. I don't like to talk about my problems with people because it always seemed like such an annoying trait, but maybe I'm at fault. I don't know.

I think I'm just really grumpy. Mood swing? When will I swing back!? I miss my friends and my family and I'm nervous about the ultrasound in 3 days for some reason, and I just feel deflated today.

Poor Amanda is sick as a dog, so I came in early today, which is fine since I've got nothing else going on. But being at the gym makes me miss my hard workouts. I miss sweating like crazy and pushing myself hard. Now I get out of breath tying my shoes, and get dizzy standing up too fast. I will be forever grateful if this pregnancy works out and we start our family, but what a whirlwind.

Anyway. Since I'm a real smart person, I forgot to bring enough food for 7 hours, so Kevin is bringing me Subway, and I've got a book to keep me busy. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Much love, you guys <3

I don't need a rescue (unless you're Mr. Cypher)

Sometimes I worry. I mean, Im the type of person who believes that things will work out okay. I roll with the punches, and I accept my lot (its a good one!). But sometimes late at night, staring at the ceiling thanks to my pregnancy-induced insomnia, I worry. I know everything is going to change. I know it's going to be hard, and stressful. I know the rates of divorces rise after the first child. But that's not why I worry. I worry because I'm not that worried. I feel ready. I feel strong and prepared to take on the challenge. I'm not scared of being a bad parent or accidentally killing the baby or even not having any idea how to nurse. I just know in my heart that it's all going to be okay. We'll figure it out. I've taken care of people all my life, and I know that if I care and I'm willing to learn and love, then everything else will fall into place.

Not to say that I'm kicking my feet up. I've been researching baby essentials, stroller reviews, breast-feeding techniques, etc. I'm open to opinions and advice. But what I've shut out is fear. I'm not going to subject myself to the fear that something bad could happen. I'm grateful that Amanda and I are on the same page about that. We are educating ourselves, but we're looking away from all the bad things. What's the point?

So, what DO I think about while staring at the ceiling and not worrying? What museums we'll take our children to. How we can make the best entertainment/educational area for them. What their names will sound like calling up the stairs for dinner. (In my fantasies, we have a 2-story house. And a hot tub.) I imagine us being supportive and proud, and trying our best to always be there for them.

And sometimes I'm fantasizing about Richard Cypher rescuing me, shirtless and sweaty.



... oh yeah ...

Oh, so I'm pregnant?

So, yesterday, I finally made it to my appointment to "confirm the pregnancy". After a very short wait, they called me back, weighed me (I've only gained 2 lbs, woo!), and had me pee in a cup. (As a side note, has any woman ever successfully peed in a cup without getting it all over the place? Seriously. Trying to chase the stream around always gets it on the outside of the cup, and even sometimes on my hands. UGH! So then you have to painstakingly clean the outside, and your hands, and try not to spill anything before securing the lid on. Next time I'm bringing a P-mate with me.)

Anyway, it took them all of a minute to tell me that came back positive. Well, duh. So my nurse, and a nurse-in-training, take me to a back room and ask me some questions. The issue of my miscarriage came up, and after lots of precise questions about something my memory is not so precise on, she basically says: "All of your symptoms lead me to think that this is a new pregnancy. But we have to make sure that you didn't have an 'incomplete miscarriage'." Yikes. Because my last hCG during my miscarraige was 42, and not 0, they had to be sure. So we fill out all my information on their computers, and they send me down to get blood drawn. (When the nurse asked which arm, I showed her both to choose, and she was like "WOW! I've never seen veins so big!"). My OB nurse, Melissa, told me that they would not make me wait until tomorrow for the results, and to call back at 3:45.

So I went to Ikea for a bit, had some lunch, then headed back to Elgin to hit the grocery store. While perusing the cereal aisle, I get a call I dont hear, but my voicemail notice beeps nice a loud. A message from Melissa telling me she has some "good news for me." Whew! I call her back and she says: "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" I may have done a little happy dance in aisle 6. She said my hormone levels are VERY high (good news!).

So, I'm pregnant. Officially, doctor's stamp and all. I have to go back on Monday to do some more lab work, but my ultrasound isn't until the 22nd! As happy as I am to get the good news, the ultrasound will be ultimate YES for me. I will SEE the baby, I will HEAR the baby, and I will finally, officially know how far along I am. Melissa had used my miscarraige bleeding as my last known period, and according to that, I'm like 15.5 weeks! I don't think that's quite right, but we'll know on the 22nd (or sooner if I can get into a cancelled appointment).

So since I'm official and all now, I think I'll go take an official nap, officially.

Sweet Relief

Several weeks ago, my Mom and I were talking about pregnancy stuff, and after a long pause, my Mom made a remark, wondering if it was possible that maybe I wasn't actually pregnant, but I was experiencing hormonal fluctuations from my miscarriage. I was around 7 weeks in at the time, and my first instinct was to be offended.

But my Mom was only curious. How was it possible for someone to get pregnant right after a miscarriage? Where had the egg come from? I hadn't ovulated, so it couldn't happen, right? Well, I knew from my many blog-searches that it was indeed possible, but I couldn't offer her a solid reason how.

Since then, the idea that I might not actually be pregnant has haunted me. I researched HOW it was possible, but I only found claim after claim that it HAS. I have all the symptoms, I got 2 positive results around week 4 or 5, and my boobs didnt get bigger on their own .... but still. I fretted. I kept meaning to get another pregnancy test to ease my mind, but I never remembered to.

When Kevin's Mom bought me my first maternity clothes, I almost felt like a fraud. I mean, I'm not showing at all. But what if I wasn't even pregnant? I knew my Mom was only trying to help, but her question was always in the back of my mind.

Today I was supposed to have my first OBGYN to, and I quote, "confirm the pregnancy". Nervous, much? What if it came back negative? Not only would I NOT be pregnant, I would have to look into why I had all these insane symptoms! Well, after A Series of Unfortunate Events, including my insurance carrier not even showing I exist in their system, and getting totally bunk directions from the nurse, I ended up have to reschedule for Wednesday. I was disappointed of course, but my Mom would be really upset, because this would be her "proof", and I could ask the nurse how my pregnancy is possible.

Not to let the morning be a total waste, I stopped and got a fancy digital read pregnancy test. Directions: Pee on Stick. Wait 3 minutes. The result would read either "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant." Simple enough. I pee every 20 minutes as it is. So I do my thing, and not even 30 seconds later, the reader popped up "Pregnant." Even though I knew I had to be, seeing that confirmation was a huge relief. I immediately snapped a photo and sent it to my Mom. It may not have a doctors signature on it, but at least now I can be nauseous in peace.

A light at the end of the tunnel

Well, long time no post, eh? I guess the benefit of not working in front of a computer all day is that ... I don't work in front of a computer all day.

So, I'm now into week 10/11 and I'm finally starting to think that maybe pregnancy isn't a contraption of the devil. Starting Tuesday or so, food has slowly started to taste the way it's supposed to. So far, it's like there's been a film on my mouth that makes food taste ... strange and bland. But yesterday I had some cereal and I couldn't believe that it tasted ... good! And how it's supposed to! My nausea is finally starting to wane too. It's definitely still around in the morning and right before bed, but it's manageable!

I'm now determined to try and eat healthy again (a shame our house is full of junk food right now, ugh). I've been noticing my body ballooning a little. I'm sure a lot of it is just fluids and bloating, but I know all that ice cream and carbs have not been going straight to baby. So this morning I had ... (drumroll please) ... OATMEAL!! My sweet, nurturing lover. Granted, I made the pre-packaged kind and not stove-top, but I made it and it was good.

In other news, I now own 3 maternity clothing items, courtesy of Kevin's mother. In fact, I'm wearing a maternity shirt today!! ... Okay, so it looks kinda silly on my cuz Im swimming in it, but its still pretty exciting. And, I have an official appointment on Feb 1st to "confirm my pregnancy". Exciting!!! I tried to find out if they'd be doing an ultrasound, but the lady was not cooperative. But at 10/11 weeks, I'll be able to hear my baby's heartbeat and everything. I think this appointment will really make this 'real' for me. It's a little scary, but I'm staying positive.

Well, now that I'm working at a gym, I guess I should start looking .. um, fit! Amanda and I are walking today and doing kegels! (not as weird to do with someone else as I initially thought). Ta ta!

Dream Deluge

The other day I received a package in the mail from my Mom. She had sent me 'What to Expect when you're Expecting', which was really exciting! I delved into the contents and realized that a lot of the minor symptoms I've been noticing are all documented there (metallic taste in my mouth, pain right around my tailbone, some cramping following a little 'special time' with Kevin, which are all totally normal!). It was really nice to have so many questions answered.

I've recently noticed another symptoms that, as far as I'm concerned, is one of the worst. Most people know I'm afraid of the dark, and that I typically suffer from insomnia. Well, now I'm also suffering from frequent and vivid dreams, often extremely stressful ones, and I wake up several times a night. Now, I eat pretty regularly throughout the day to fight my nausea, and most of the time I'll have a little ice cream about an hour before bed. Sometimes, though, for whatever reason, I'll have something heavier, and those seem to be the nights that I have the most vivid dreams.

I googled this, and it seems to be pretty common, but most people say they have dreams relating to their pregnancy. Mine are ... not. Let me give you a very brief synopsis of the dreams I had just last night, in the 6 or so hours I managed to sleep:

1. Sunny, post-apocalyptic landscape. Futuristic. We are exploring the remains of a mall, which turns into part of a cruise ship. We have to row a boat through choppy waters in a storm to escape.

2. Same cruise ship, I meet this androgynous person at an event for people to make auditions for single people. You know, those videos? This person is extremely coy, and trying to claim to be very old, but he's very young and attractive. I flirt with him, he's still being coy. We walk to an expansive room with a gorgeous view and tons of windows. His hair has grown long and white-blonde. He teases me and tries to get me to believe he's a woman. To prove I know he's got the right equipment, I kiss him. We end up naked in bed, and handsome, shirtless window washers cat-call me from outside. Kevin comes in, raving mad at this guy because he slammed Kevin's book shut sometime earlier in the day.

3. I'm at a video rental store. A little girl with a horrible mother wants to rent a video, but has no money. I let her take it. I walk outside and a hispanic guy in a navy uniform exclaims "OMG that woman has been bludgeoned to death!" and points to a prone figure by a planter. It's just a homeless woman napping. I get really mad and ask what kind of horrible person he is to make such a joke. He threatens me, and I run into a jewelry store and hide under a table. The woman there is his fiance. She's had enough of him. He's getting his gang together to beat me up. We get 100 people and start jogging together around the complex, I guess to hide me? A girl gets to close to me and I sucker punch her, thinking it's him. 

There were more, earlier in the night, but they're too hazy and weird to really explain. But I see these just as vividly as I did upon waking up. All of them were incredibly stressful, and I woke up out of breath each time. Needless to say, I'm pretty exhausted today.

I'm going to avoid eating much at night to see if that helps with the dreams. I've started eating fruits, milk, and good protein again! I hope to have vegetables again in the next few weeks.

Food, Glorious Food

Week 8 or 9 now. Out of what, 40? How do people do this?

Well, supposedly it gets better. I can't say for sure that my nausea/food aversions are going away, but they're changing. I am so sick to death of junk food. All I want is to eat is an apricot and some green beans. At the very least, this experience has showed me how much I take healthy eating for granted. To not have a choice? I don't think I could have ever understood that. I still don't think people believe me when I say I can't do it. You may as well be putting a plate of caterpillars in front of me.

However, I was really excited because, while watching The Legend of the Seeker yesterday, I got a craving for meat. Chicken, particularly KFC. REAL FOOD!!! I leaped on the notion before my fickle stomach changed its mind. I was tempted to get a healthy side, but I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach it. But I ate chicken! Nearly a whole breast! And we had mashed potatoes and Mac n Cheese on the side! Plus, of course, a biscuit. It felt nice to eat something that had some sort of nutritional value.

I'm back at work again today (3 more days!), and the hardest part, after having a 3 day weekend, was forcing myself to eat in the morning again. I swear to god, I won't even so much as LOOK at a bagel after this is over.

Misery Loves Company

I'm not much of a believer in fate, but I can't help and appreciate some of the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy. In a week, I'll be leaving my crummy job to start working at my local gym. The owners, Jason and Amanda, have become good friends, and knowing I want to be a personal trainer, are eager to sign me up.

Oh, by the way, Amanda is pregnant too. She's actually about 2 months ahead of me, but having a confidant has been one of the best resources I could ever ask for. It's hard to describe the symptoms to someone that hasn't experienced them without feeling lame, and having someone to validate my problems helps me not feel like such a whiner. As lovers of oatmeal, we both mourned losing the ability to eat it during the first trimester. We complained about the lack of fruits or vegetables in our diet, and poked our bloated bits from the excess salt.

Anyway, not only has Amanda afforded me a person to vent to, we've also become workout buddies. She approached me with the idea, and I thought it was great. We both have the same restrictions, and our fitness levels are pretty similar. Mondays and Wednesdays we do regular full-body workouts in the gym (Wed will be at the track once the weather gets better). Fridays we do an hour of yoga. During all the time, we've chatted about everything under the sun.

I just appreciate the fact that I'm going through this with someone else at the same time. She knew about my miscarriage, and all during this pregnancy, has said "Just don't worry. Let it happen, because it's going to do what it's going to do." That's been great advice. Stressing about every little detail on top of my exhaustion and poor diet just doesn't work for me.

Yesterday, Amanda loaned me these wristbands with little buttons on them. You wear them so the buttons press into your wrists, and are meant to help with nausea. I wore them yesterday, but I was eager to see how they'd work out in the morning, when its the worst. Before I even got up I put them on precisely as directed, and went about my morning routine. No nausea! But I realized that its not that simple. There's a layering effect, and below the nausea is this undercurrent. An unsettling feeling in my tummy, as if it's saying "Hey, I might not be tickling your gag reflex, but just you TRY and eat a banana." Below THAT is the stubborn food aversion. But I was so happy not to be almost blowing chunks that I made a bowl of cheerios, soymilk and a little bit of peanut butter.

I got about 3 spoonfuls before I had to push it aside. I was so glad to not be nauseous, but I realized it's not the nausea that keeps me from eating how I want to. So I ate a handful of Saltines and drank some water.

Tomorrow Kevin and I are taking the day off, so I'll start my day with yoga at the gym with Amanda, and then I'm determined to eat something healthy. We're going to the Yogurt Spot, a self-serve frozen yogurt bar with hundreds of toppings. Healthy toppings. Wish me luck!

A TMI Introduction

Hello, world. Fancy meeting you here.

 I come to you at a very interesting time in my life. I'm quitting my 2.5 year stint doing call center work, I'm nearing the completion of my Personal Training Certification, my best friend brother-in-law finally found love, and oh, I'm pregnant.

I'm even hesitant to say the word. I should be jumping for joy, but this isn't actually the first time. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and we lost the baby at 5 weeks in early November. You can understand my trepidation.

But on with the good stuff! I would guess I'm around 7 or 8 weeks. (If you're keeping track, yes, we got pregnant RIGHT away) It feels like an eternity, waiting to hit my 2nd trimester, and finally be able to breathe and start celebrating. But that's not what this is all about. This isn't a place for me to wallow in my fears, but to wallow in all the wonderful symptoms pregnancy has had to offer me. Let's be organized here:

Food Aversions: Hi, my name is Stephanie, and I lost 50 lbs by eating healthy and exercise. I LOVE fruits and vegetables. I avoid refined sugar, excess salt, "bad" carbs, and anything liquid other than water. Hi, this is Stephanie in week 7/8 of her pregnancy. All I can stomach are bagels, snickers, nutrigrain bars and ice cream. Just the thought of a salad makes me want to hurl for hours. Bringing me to my next topic ....

Morning Sickness: Do you know why they call it that? It's not because you're sick just in the morning, oh no. It's just that, since you don't notice the nausea while sleeping, morning is kind of the best label. Otherwise they'd just call it "Forever-all-the-time Sickness." From what I've heard around the watering hole, this wonderful side-effect should start to dwindle in the 8th week. But you'll still have ...

Hyper-Smell: This one has been a tricky side-effect. It hasn't actually been too persistent, but when it hits, it's bad. I remember opening the fridge the other day, and the swamp gas wall that hit me nearly had me turning tail and running. And don't even get me started on the dogs. I say we shave them bald and bathe them every 4 hours.

Fatigue: Also known as "sheer and utter exhaustion". Now, this has been pretty ongoing for a few weeks, but it's been fairly mild. My energy levels are lower, no biggie. But something happened in just the past few days. Perhaps its' my crappy diet, or the fact that I'm still exercising like nobody's business, but nothing could make me get off the couch/bed past 7pm. We're talking wobbly legs and out-of-breath-just-putting-on-shoes. I can barely keep my eyes open at 11am, and my chores have completely fallen by the way-side.

Honestly, I could go on and on. These are the most significant ones (unless you consider not pooping regularly significant), but I'm sure more will come along. I wanted to create this blog so I could look back and remember all the "fun times", and because I stupidly moved far away from my Mom several years ago, she can still keep tabs on my pregnancy. (Love you, Mom!)

I look forward to chronically my many adventures through the next several months, and grossing out as many people as possible.

Cheers.